Mujer Sola: Primer paso 1

Do you feel alone? Si? Pero sabias que,
“Aloneness is beautiful, it is grand. Loneliness is sorrowful, it is despair.”
Well, I wish I had known this long time ago,
When the Loquera told me that I need it to be alone and to do things alone or with family I was completely disappointed and it was devastating to hear that she was recommending for me to be Alone, Sola. “go to the movies alone, is not that bad,” she said, my response was “no I can’t go because I only go to see foreign or independent films and I ‘only’ go to the Tower theater and if I go there I might run into ‘someone’ that I know. Good excuse don’t you think so? I have always thought of myself as an independent woman, but I can’t help to wonder that if I think I am, how come I’m scared to go watch a movie by myself, why is it so difficult to be alone? That indeed was the right question. Why are people so scared of discovering themselves by being alone?
So, as courage comes when one least expected it and as I was force to get the courage I need it to do things alone, I decided that I was going to stay single, sola, Alone. Sure, ‘others’ imposed my loneliness but I choose solitude to find the inner richness within myself through aloneness. For once I can truly say that I made the right decision since you can still be with someone else or others and still feel lonely and I didn’t want that feeling anymore.
Anyway,
I create a list of things that I want to do obviamente sola. However,
A month + later Mel, called me and we started with our philosophical talk and we discussed the meaning of being Alone, soo many question so many things that are unanswered to us and to others. She came with an excellent idea, so we made a promise to have at least one solo experience a month and to write about it. I agreed.

Here we go,
It was a Saturday morning and my mom decided to visit my cousins. I decided to stay home. I was worried ‘cause I didn’t have anything to do, no plans nobody to hang out with, before I would call person number one and person number two and have a chaotic day and later at night have that empty feeling in my heart.
I decided that I was a good day to face the fear of going to the movies alone. Tower here I come. Uhm scary shit. I called my sister and the first thing she asked me was “con quien vas,” “sola”, sola? I think that when I say ALONE, my family or friends think I’m lying. I guess is hard for them to think that I’m actually doing things alone.
I pulled into to the parking lot and looked around to see if “that car” was around there, I felt a sense of relief when I didn’t see it. As I walked through the parking lot, I felt like a lost child. I felt weird. Como un ratoncito, like the ones that stick their head out of the hole looked around, see a piece of cheese and run to get it without stopping. That’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to run through the parking look, get inside to feel protected. But since I couldn’t do that I walked as fast as possible. I reached for my mirror to see if I was still ok looking because at that point of time I felt like “Ugly Betty.” I don’t know why people always assumed that when people are alone is because they are not physically attractive. Bueno.
Once Inside:
So, I decided to watched “Choke” rather than Burn after reading, since I read that Choke had some parental issues, and since I have that too, I decided to see it, however, I missed the part that said it was about a sex addict too, ha ha. Like I need it to watch something like that. I went inside and decided to drink something, I got a chamomile tea, and I noticed as I was putting the sugar that I was shaking. This place brings back so many memories, I have only been at this theater with one person, and now estoy sola, it was a double challenge for me I guess that’s why I decide to go to this theater. I went inside, looked around and saw other people, it wasn’t a popular movie, so it was only a few of us, I saw at least two other people sitting alone. I found a good place to sit. I need to be sitting in the middle not to close to the screen or too far. At first I even felt that the people that were sitting alone were staring at me. Cuando termino la pelicula and we were walking outside, I wanted to see how the other people that were sitting alone look. El muchacho was really good looking that I even thought about asking him why he was there alone, see I was assuming that because he was good looking he needed it to be with “someone” else, but pense probably he had the same reason I did, it was then that I understood that people that do things alone are regular and normal looking people. I’m normal and so is Mel.
So,
I feel proud of myself and the many other like myself that are discovering their aloneness, they have my respect, because we are not avoiding being alone like many people do and they fall into the “loneliness” by experiencing or turning into alcohol, drugs, the Internet or television to avoid being in their own company, they are experiencing what is not real, aloneness is real.
Now I’m ok with going to the movies Sola, I went back this past weekend and now I had a different feeling, now as I was walking through the parking lot, I even smile and said
Hi to other people, by doing this I even forgot to check to see “if the car” was there. I guess it wasn’t that important anymore. I guess that even if I saw that the car was there I would be ok going inside because I have accepted that I’m alone, la soledad esta conmigo pero no estoy sola, and I’m not ashamed of it. I’m choosing to stay like this, is my own personal choice. Yo y mi soledad, solamente nos pertenecemos uno a la otra.

As I started doing this I learned that aloneness has much to offer, I grow stronger and surer with every experience, I know that aloneness is a more welcoming healthy choice. And, after all I’m not such a bad company.

To my partner in crime, mujer, que cosa, gracias for all the laughs and all the thinking that you make me do, gracias por all the positive feedback and the self affirmations, he he. Gracias por creer en mi y hacerme parte de esto. Que sigue?