Amor...

"Que difícil es decir lo que pienso…..cuando se trata del sentimiento del amor."

Mi Madre y la Poesia

I feel like such a terrible daughter since I’m just beginning to find out certain things that I never knew about my mom. I have always wondered why I like certain things that nobody else in my family likes. No, I don’t think I’m adopted. Lately my mom and I have been bonding, sometimes she stills makes me mad ha ha but I promise myself that we were going to enjoy our time together before she moves to Texas.

One day I was writing and I wanted to read some poetry to stimulate my mind. I called my sister since she loves poetry and she had told me about a good website. The website is great, all the poems come with audio. Some voices are more pleasant than others obviously. I read a few poems and found one that I really really liked. I decided to shared it with my mom. Most of the time I don’t share things like that with others menos con mi Ma’. Why, because I had always assumed that she didn’t care. Anyway, I was a little concerned with her reaction but I said “Ma’ quiero que escuches este poema.” I played the audio, she listened and I followed the lines carefully. She interrupted and said the name of the poem, and she told me “yo se este poema, yo lo recite cuando estaba en la escuela,” I was in shocked because I never knew that my mom liked poetry nevertheless recite poetry. I finally know why I love poetry. My mom began telling me about how she was always chosen to recite poetry when she was in school. She recite in front of an audience en dias like la Bandera, or dia de Madres. I thought it was the sweetest thing ever. I can just see it.

Pero, me senti mal pues I had misjudged her since she only got to finish the third grade, so I thought she wasn’t interested in such a thing as poetry. Pense: how can she likes poetry if she's the type of person that "only" reads the bible and only for a few minutes. Fue asi que I justififed my ignorance. I said “Ma’ pero solo terminaste el tercer grado,” and she responded with a big smile, “si pero los maestros siempre me pedian que recitara aun no siendo estudiante.” I’m so proud of my mother.

Since she shared this with me I told her that I like to write but that I wouldn’t call my “pensamientos” poetry but that I like to write. She seemed surprised, and she said “oh, y a Zule le gusta recitar/procamar los poemas.” She told me about a poem taht she really likes but she doesn’t remember the name. She still remembered some of the stanzas. Is amazing that she still does. Creo que lo que se aprende con el corazon nunca se olvida. I’m going to do a little research and see if I can find that poem for her. I’m happy to know that she likes something that I’m passionate about, now I just have to wait for the right moment to share some of my "pensamientos" with her.

II

Since I have a little bit of time to spare. I have been reading “astronomy for dummies” :-) I have always loved the stars and the moon, la Luna. I have always wanted to buy a telescope, and I was ready to do so, but the book recommends to start with binoculars :-). As I continue reading I became more interested en las Luna y las estrellas. During the second week of October the moon was spectacular. I had ordered the binocular but I didn’t get them on time. I was disappointed because I wasn’t going to be able to see the moon asi bien grandota. I waited and waited but I never got the binocular. Anyway, I got the binocular this week and I was so exited. Oh, a mi mama tambien le gusta la Luna y las estrellas. So, knowing this I took my mom to look at the stars. Our first star gazing experience together. I wanted her to see the estrella she calls “la virgen Maria.” I felt happy to show my mom her favorite star. It was nice to hear her say “oh, que bonito.” Me senti como la madre y a ella la mire como la hija, asi cuando la madre le Enseña las cosas grandes de la vida a la hija.

Mujer Sola: Primer paso 1

Do you feel alone? Si? Pero sabias que,
“Aloneness is beautiful, it is grand. Loneliness is sorrowful, it is despair.”
Well, I wish I had known this long time ago,
When the Loquera told me that I need it to be alone and to do things alone or with family I was completely disappointed and it was devastating to hear that she was recommending for me to be Alone, Sola. “go to the movies alone, is not that bad,” she said, my response was “no I can’t go because I only go to see foreign or independent films and I ‘only’ go to the Tower theater and if I go there I might run into ‘someone’ that I know. Good excuse don’t you think so? I have always thought of myself as an independent woman, but I can’t help to wonder that if I think I am, how come I’m scared to go watch a movie by myself, why is it so difficult to be alone? That indeed was the right question. Why are people so scared of discovering themselves by being alone?
So, as courage comes when one least expected it and as I was force to get the courage I need it to do things alone, I decided that I was going to stay single, sola, Alone. Sure, ‘others’ imposed my loneliness but I choose solitude to find the inner richness within myself through aloneness. For once I can truly say that I made the right decision since you can still be with someone else or others and still feel lonely and I didn’t want that feeling anymore.
Anyway,
I create a list of things that I want to do obviamente sola. However,
A month + later Mel, called me and we started with our philosophical talk and we discussed the meaning of being Alone, soo many question so many things that are unanswered to us and to others. She came with an excellent idea, so we made a promise to have at least one solo experience a month and to write about it. I agreed.

Here we go,
It was a Saturday morning and my mom decided to visit my cousins. I decided to stay home. I was worried ‘cause I didn’t have anything to do, no plans nobody to hang out with, before I would call person number one and person number two and have a chaotic day and later at night have that empty feeling in my heart.
I decided that I was a good day to face the fear of going to the movies alone. Tower here I come. Uhm scary shit. I called my sister and the first thing she asked me was “con quien vas,” “sola”, sola? I think that when I say ALONE, my family or friends think I’m lying. I guess is hard for them to think that I’m actually doing things alone.
I pulled into to the parking lot and looked around to see if “that car” was around there, I felt a sense of relief when I didn’t see it. As I walked through the parking lot, I felt like a lost child. I felt weird. Como un ratoncito, like the ones that stick their head out of the hole looked around, see a piece of cheese and run to get it without stopping. That’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to run through the parking look, get inside to feel protected. But since I couldn’t do that I walked as fast as possible. I reached for my mirror to see if I was still ok looking because at that point of time I felt like “Ugly Betty.” I don’t know why people always assumed that when people are alone is because they are not physically attractive. Bueno.
Once Inside:
So, I decided to watched “Choke” rather than Burn after reading, since I read that Choke had some parental issues, and since I have that too, I decided to see it, however, I missed the part that said it was about a sex addict too, ha ha. Like I need it to watch something like that. I went inside and decided to drink something, I got a chamomile tea, and I noticed as I was putting the sugar that I was shaking. This place brings back so many memories, I have only been at this theater with one person, and now estoy sola, it was a double challenge for me I guess that’s why I decide to go to this theater. I went inside, looked around and saw other people, it wasn’t a popular movie, so it was only a few of us, I saw at least two other people sitting alone. I found a good place to sit. I need to be sitting in the middle not to close to the screen or too far. At first I even felt that the people that were sitting alone were staring at me. Cuando termino la pelicula and we were walking outside, I wanted to see how the other people that were sitting alone look. El muchacho was really good looking that I even thought about asking him why he was there alone, see I was assuming that because he was good looking he needed it to be with “someone” else, but pense probably he had the same reason I did, it was then that I understood that people that do things alone are regular and normal looking people. I’m normal and so is Mel.
So,
I feel proud of myself and the many other like myself that are discovering their aloneness, they have my respect, because we are not avoiding being alone like many people do and they fall into the “loneliness” by experiencing or turning into alcohol, drugs, the Internet or television to avoid being in their own company, they are experiencing what is not real, aloneness is real.
Now I’m ok with going to the movies Sola, I went back this past weekend and now I had a different feeling, now as I was walking through the parking lot, I even smile and said
Hi to other people, by doing this I even forgot to check to see “if the car” was there. I guess it wasn’t that important anymore. I guess that even if I saw that the car was there I would be ok going inside because I have accepted that I’m alone, la soledad esta conmigo pero no estoy sola, and I’m not ashamed of it. I’m choosing to stay like this, is my own personal choice. Yo y mi soledad, solamente nos pertenecemos uno a la otra.

As I started doing this I learned that aloneness has much to offer, I grow stronger and surer with every experience, I know that aloneness is a more welcoming healthy choice. And, after all I’m not such a bad company.

To my partner in crime, mujer, que cosa, gracias for all the laughs and all the thinking that you make me do, gracias por all the positive feedback and the self affirmations, he he. Gracias por creer en mi y hacerme parte de esto. Que sigue?

La Ofrenda

Mi ofrenda todavía se encuentra, en El Chac Mool,
Siempre estará allí,

Para recordar que,
Se le ofreció a los Dioses para satisfacerlos,
Los dioses me rigen, ordenan.
El sol tiene que seguir,
La vida tiene que seguir,
La ofrenda tiene que darse,
La ofrenda se ofrecio,
Ahora,
La ofrenda tendido esta,
morado, Sin vida, pero escuchando,
Resguardando la entrada,
Solamente dejando entrar,

Los rayos del sol,
Tendido esta,
pensando en la fortificación,
Viajare,

me encontrare en B’aakal,
Saldré de la tumba cerrada,
Y dejare entrar al mundo,

para dar la felicidad,
Bajo los años de oscuridad y pasión cerrada.
Busca,

busca a Otolum.
Alli estare esperandote,
B'aakal es nuestro.

Octubre 16

Hoy brindo por la persona más maravillosa que he conocido. Bendijo este día en que naciste por haberme dado la oportunidad de conocerte. Me enseñaste tanto que es difícil mencionar cada una de las cosas: por ti conocí los sentimientos, por ti aprendí lo que era disfrutar de las pequeñas cosas de la vida, por ti aprendí lo que son las pasiones, los sueños y los anhelos.

Por ti supe que puede ser posible caminar bajo las estrellas y pensar que puedes contar cada una de ellas.
Por ti supe lo que era un atardecer cerca del mar,
Por ti supe lo que es un volcán, por ti aprendí lo que es la lava,

Por ti supe lo que es la tristeza, pero por ti aprendí lo que es la felicidad,
Por ti aprendí lo que es apoyo, el apoyo incondicional,
Por ti supe lo que es la desesperación, pero aprendí lo que es la esperanza,
Por ti aprendí a perdonar,


Por ti supe lo que son los celos, pero por ti aprendí lo que es la confianza,
Por ti aprendí a sonreír, por ti supe llorar,
Por ti supe ser niño, pero por ti aprendí a ser adulto,
Por ti supe en realidad quien soy yo.


Pero lo más grandioso es que fue por ti, que sé el significado del amor. Gracias a este día, tú me pudiste enseñar todas estas cosas, todos estos sentimientos. Hoy Brindo por este día, brindo por TI. El día que nunca olvidare mientras viva.
Besos, mi Ni Mits Neki.





......

El cordón Umbilical

I still remember the day not that long ago, when my mom was worry because I was going to go to an art gallery by myself, first of all she was going to go with me, however something happened and she had to go somewhere else. Gosh, in my family every time we plan something there’s always something that comes up, I hate it. So, I had made up my mind and I told her that I was going to attend the show. She was very concerned, and deep inside I was too, it was the first time that I was going to do something like that. I even thought it was weird. But I was ready to overcome my fears. I had to stop my mom cause she wouldn’t stop saying “hay no, como sola” “que tal si te pierdes.” “que tal si no encuentras estacionamiento.” “Mother, (Linda, control yourself, i thougth) I’m not five, and if I get lost I can ask for directions, por Dios, Ma'.” She stopped. !Pobresita!

I took her to where she needed it to be and I went back to the city. I’m sure she prayed a thousand oraciones when I left. When I was in my car, driving down the highway, I started listening to music, empowering myself. I’m a big girl. I can do this, SI SE PUEDE, SI SE PUEDE I repeated to myself. I rolled down the windows and let the wind and the brisa touched my skin, it felt good. Me senti grande. Once in the city, I almost got stop by the police for making a left turn where I wasn’t supposed to. You know I made one of those policiaca car moves. I saw the police, Shit, just what I need it, I thought, I guess being a big girl cuesta. I turned around looked at him but he didn’t stop me. I usually get stop; wow Ma’s oraciones are working. What a relief, now I can spend that “ticket” money buying something nice. I found the parking garage, I got out of my car, the place was almost empty, it was dark, and it was silent, I got scared. I picture myself in one of those movies where a fucking serial killer is on the loose, “fuck stop thinking ridiculous shit.” Obviously I blamed my poor mom for those years of having me in a bubble. Come on think about it, first is the “Cucu (cucui),” then El Robachicos” and then “La Llorona.” Wait, wait I can’t blame my culture or my mom for what I am. I knew that it wasn’t her fault it was mine. However, being scared made me think about "asi as de tener tu conciencia kind of thing) All these years I had been in relationships where, let’s put it this way, I wasn’t a leader, I let everybody control me. I drowned myself in self pity, I put myself down for not being smart enough for one person and then I ruined that relationship for being with someone that “wasn’t my equal,” My therapist words. Yeah, yeah I know what you’re thinking, but yeah Mexicans need to see Loqueros too, the priest is not enough anymore. Stop, I need to stop because that’s a whole different story and there’s more to it, and I can’t blame them either. Bottom line is that I was doing this to stop the fucking codependency shit from family and lovers. Wow, Can I say lovers? It doesn’t sound right, sounds too strong, suena muy fuerte, en espanol es mucho mas feo no?
Anyway, back to story
So, I got a hold of myself and I said, “you stop this right now, nothing is going to happened.” There’s no zodiac killer or Jack el destripador around here. Thanks mom, your intimidation worked.
I went inside the building and walked around, so many interesting arts, the Chinese art was weird but I like it. I thought about La Xinita, even thought she’s Japanese. Camine. It was the first time that I had the opportunity to see a Pablo Picasso Cuadro. It was amazing how many times had I looked at the same pictures in art books, and I’m barely seeing it. Todo lo he hecho tarde.
Why, why, Why,
So let’s go back and see why my mom’s intimidation always works, oh, but other people have used that too, and I’m tired of it. As far as my mom can it be because I can’t let go of the umbilical cord? I need to find my bellybutton, my ombligo. I don’t think she buried it, I think she takes it with her everywhere we go. So, she can control me. I mean come on, bury the damn thing I don’t even care if its in the kitchen like the Mayans do, I don’t care if I end up liking la cocina or the domestic duties, but the cocina and the domestic duties of my own house, Shit. So, after realizing that a Mexican Madre never kicks her “adult” daughter out of the house and never let’s her discover the world, before marrying, I decided to break away………………………………to move, to have my freedom, mi independencia personal.....

Yeah, yeah all of that just to say that i'm trying to be a mujer......

Madre!

Dudosa, pensativa,
Miro a la mujer,
Que me dio la vida,

Su devoción resalta ante mis ojos,
Le agradezco tanto,
Tanto, tanto, tanto,
No puedo esconder la ternura,
Ante su imagen,

-Porque es así la vida,
Yo Salí de su vientre para vivir,

Ahora ella tiene que salir de mí,
Para que también ella pueda vivir.

II

¡Mujer gladiadora!
Me diste la vida para vivir,
Ahora vuelvo a salir
Para vivir, la vida!
Tus bendiciones nunca saldrán de mí.

Oh, madre ya soy una mujer!